80 for Brady review

As Tom Brady rides off into the sunset again (hopefully for good this time), he has blessed/tormented us all with his magnificent tribute to himself, the newly-released movie 80 For Brady.  This film is so atrocious, you’ll hope Brady sticks to his word to retire.  The movie will most certainly NOT take its place in the pantheon of classic sports flicks alongside Rocky, Hoosiers, and Field of Dreams.  The film is centered around four elderly women played by iconic actresses Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Rita Moreno, and Sally Field, who live in Boston and are diehard Patriots fans. And they LOVE Tom Brady.  My god are they in love with him. “He’s so cute!”  One of them writes erotica involving Rob Gronkowski titled “Between a Gronk and a Hard Place.”  Vomitous trash.

As the film begins, the four old ladies are watching Brady and the Patriots play the Steelers in the AFC Championship Game.  There is once noticeable problem:  The game (in real life) takes place in the evening, while the lighting in this scene suggests the afternoon.  Why can’t Brady get something as simple the time of day right?  Right off the bat, the actresses talented are not only wasted, they’re not even utilized!

The girls want to go to the Super Bowl to witness Brady, for they fear it could be has last one.  Very ironic in hindsight, considering Brady has been back three times!  They get their tickets (in a gender reveal box) and head for the Super Bowl in Houston.  Once there, they attend the NFL Experience, eat wings at a contest hosted by Guy Fieri (who has absolutely nothing to do), then go to a party where one has an affair with a former NFL player, one plays poker and they find out they were missing their tickets after carrying them around all day.  Excuse me?  Why the hell would you want to take your tickets for tomorrow’s game out in public?  It’s akin to a high school kid taking his homework to a friend’s party!

The next day, the four girls find the Super Bowl tickets, only to discover they are counterfeit, but they still demand access to the game, which makes them selfish in a way.  They get in by winning a dance contest, in one of the dumbest plot twists I have ever seen in a movie.  The Super Bowl commences between the Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons.  The ladies get into the stadium before being kicked out, but the old football legend from the party escorts them to a skybox.  Essentially, much like their hero Brady, they are somehow evading serious consequences.

At the start of the game, the Patriots are thoroughly dominated by the Falcons, who take a 21-3 lead to halftime, stretching it 28-3 in the second half.  Devastated, our foursome walks into the coaches’ press box (isn’t that illegal?) and one of them gives Brady a rousing speech which inspires him to lead the Patriots all the way back to win in overtime.  Everyone’s happy.  The heartbreak felt in Atlanta is completely ignored.  Propaganda.

This is seriously one of the worst movies I have ever witnessed.  The script is poor, and the four stars act down to it.  I honestly feel sorry that they all accepted a paycheck for this drivel.  The characters are all annoying (including a grating sports talk-show host with a thick Boston accent), and Brady, when on-screen, is completely wooden.

This “movie” is nothing more than a two-hour ego stroke for Brady, whose unprecedented success on the football field (at least some of which, you could argue, is suspicious) has led him to believe that he is bigger than the game.  How else could you pretend to retire, only to come back a month later, lose your marriage, and have a terrible final season?  John Elway and Peyton Manning ended their iconic careers by winning the Super Bowl, while Brady’s final act (unless he unretires again) will be going 8-9, winning an awful division, and getting blown out in a Wild Card game.

Brady lost Super Bowls to mediocre quarterbacks Eli Manning (of the Giants) and Nick Foles (of the Eagles) including the infamous 2007 loss to Manning, which ended the Patriots perfect season.  He won Super Bowls such as the game outlined in this movie and the game against the Seahawks two years earlier thanks to questionable opponent playcalling.  If Brady has been aided and abetted by cheating and opposing blunders throughout his career, can he truly be the GOAT? So really, this movie is fitting of him, the football equivalent of the spoiled rich kid leeching off his parents’ wealth.  Between this movie and posting selfies of himself in his underwear, perhaps Brady should devote his post-football life to cringe projects.  It’s only fitting of him.

RATING:

1 out of 5 footballs (and that one ball is deflated)